A promise to Death

“Dear Death,
How are you? Do you remember me? Of course, we haven’t officially met yet but I have thought of you a lot so I think maybe you could hear me. If I could have a penny for every time I have calm suicidal or negative thoughts, I would be rich by now.

Calm suicidal thoughts.

I am no longer afraid of death. Is it a good thing? Yes. No. I don’t know.

I once told a family member that I wasn’t afraid of death anymore. They laughed, thinking I’m too young to understand what it means. They don’t know that I really mean it and once everything is done, I’ll be ready.

You know, a few weeks ago I was really happy and thought that maybe I deserved to be alive. But now, I think I shouldn’t. People will start to listen only when you’re dead. People will realize it’s their fault from the beginning only when you’re dead.

Do you know what stops me from taking my own life with my own hand? Responsibilities. Family.

What could possibly go wrong when one person ends their life? A lot of things, if you look at them in hindsight.

Dying is costly. It is easy to die, I promise. It might take a little pain, a little regret and struggle at the last moment of your life but it will be over. The story of your life has come to a full stop.

But. Who will pay for your coffin and burn your corpse? Who will pay for the mental damage your family might face? And what if, your death creates a butterfly effect and drags someone’s life with you? What if you are the only source of income and when you die, they will die too?

Hey Death, why do you have to make things so difficult?

They say your skin isn’t paper, don’t cut it. Your face isn’t a mask, don’t hide it. Your size isn’t a book, don’t judge it. Your life isn’t a film, don’t end it.

Ha.

I say your life is nothing different from a movie. It could be an inspirational one, or a tragic, or happy movie. Surely, the movie of your life will affect him or her. But like any movie, people will forget what they have watched and people, born from dust, will return to dust and eternity.

Will I ever finish my life before you come with diseases, disaster, and aging? Yes. Here is a promise to myself and to you. By the time I’m 30, if I still feel discontent with myself and feel like my existence is just a burden and a failure, I will end this sad story by myself.

Am I being too negative? No. Am I too scary to you? Maybe. Do I need help? No, thank you very much. Truth to be told, I am calmer than I have ever been. Think of it this way, I am giving myself a chance to be truly happy, to be myself, to find the love of my life (if he has ever existed and we are meant to be), to do the things I love. After all, I regret having not seeing every beautiful piece of this life and learn every beautiful piece of knowledge that has ever existed, I can’t go without knowing what I haven’t known yet.

I guess I still love this life. Or maybe I don’t. But I’m sending my hope to a better future.

11 years to come. It’s not a long or short time, but it will come as soon as I realize. So please, don’t waste your time.

Love you Death,

Buck up and be nice to yourself. At least for 11 years more.”

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One thought on “3. Memento Mori. Memento Vivere

  1. Dear V.,

    I think I could understand what you are going through right now because I was in the same case 3 years ago. It would be a lie if I say that I feel totally okay now, but my life gets better every day. I hated my life. I asked myself what it is meant to be living because I was just surviving at the time. People were mean and it made me think that I would never be treated right only when I’m dead. Then, I thought about my family too. I felt like I’d be too selfish if I ended my life that way. And guess what? I also gave myself time to try my best and live my life to the fullest. And yeah, as you knew before that I love art. It saved my life. I always find myself whenever being focused on creating an artwork.

    I know that although I said our stories are kind of the same, you surely think they are totally different (I know you ^^). Anyway, both of us thought about this as a solution to end all the pains. I just want to let you know that your mind is so beautiful. You are not being too negative. You are just living your mindful life. I feel so happy when you give yourself one more chance to “live”, and I’m pretty sure that there’s a ton of things out there waiting for you to be explored. Do what you want!

    There was a friend of mine told me that I was better than I thought I would be and that helped me realize how I treated my own self really strictly. V., you are so great tbh and I am so grateful to talk to you because you are inspiring me too. Thank you!

    Let’s make our own movies, regardless of what kind of them, happy or tragic, as long as they’re ours.

    Van Flomie.

    Liked by 1 person

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