This was inspired by Dottie James and Savannah Brown, two amazing, inspiring YouTubers. I have linked their videos in case you want to watch. When I watched their videos, I decided that I should make one. However, I’m not comfortable making a video like they did, and truth to be told, my appearance hasn’t changed dramatically ever since primary school, except I’m taller, my skin is whiter, I have changed my glasses for a couple of times, from pink, purple to black or white, now black. So I will write a summary of my mental life instead of making a video. It’ll be a bit morbid. This post was written a couple weeks ago, and I was hesitant to publish it even though I know not everyone will read it. I guess I was afraid of being judged by strangers and acquaintances. Even though this is not a video, just a simple diary, but I want you to listen to some music while you are reading. So here how it goes. And grammar and spelling and word use, who the hell cares? This is my diary anyway.

I am an emotional person. I am sensitive and intuitive. I used to hate being told that I’m hypersensitive and I hate the fact that I’m emotional. Everyone around me makes me feel like it’s a bad thing. Every birthday, they will send me a note saying that “Don’t be hypersensitive”, or “You are too emotional”, or give me some adjectives which describe me and one of them would always be “emotional”. But I can’t stop being like that. It’s the struggle of being either emotional or indifferent.

They hate me when I cry and gradually I hate when I cry too, too much to the extent that I wish I didn’t have the eyes that I almost pride myself on so that I couldn’t cry anymore. I wish I were deaf so I couldn’t hear they fighting over and over again, louder over time and more intense every day. I wish I didn’t exist when I knew my existence is nothing but a burden and I make the people I love feel miserable. I don’t know what I live for and sometimes, I think I live to pay the debt I have brought to my family, literally and figuratively. I was tremendously hurt but I guess I wasn’t really hurt because how can I be hurt when obviously no one did anything to me and I don’t feel any ache in my chest? Just sometimes, only sometimes, when I see the image of that one particular person, I recall all of the shame, guilt, mistreatment and unreciprocated love and I burst into tears. But I actually didn’t do anything. I was an outsider. All I ever did is exist.

I thought I didn’t care, I thought I was okay if a piece of me was cut off, but I wasn’t. I do care. I just hypnotize myself that I don’t, because I don’t feel the ache in my chest that makes me feel hard to breathe even just for a moment like when I see my mom’s small wound. I just cry non-stop. Like I always do. Sometimes, I guess maybe when I think too much, I feel suffocated. I can’t breathe even though I’m breathing. I feel like there’s a rock on my chest and there is something stuck in my throat. I get used to it anyway. No big deal. It’s just stress. I know that. No big deal.


People are funny you know.

I grew up thinking that I was a smart child because I was always the “teacher’s pet” for being an excellent student and because I gained many prizes and I was a top student, though looking back now, they aren’t worth a thing. Then I became a high school student. I stop being the best. Just good. Sometimes average. Sometimes too desperate and tired to the point I nearly gave up. But I can’t give up. How can I give up? Giving up doing what I’m doing means giving up on being better, giving up on striving to a happier version of me. So I stop being the “star”. People around me feel ashamed. And before I knew, I had trusted every single word they used to put me down.

I was a smart and happy child. I was strong. Even if you threw rocks at me, I still didn’t care. I was happy drawing and writing. I was completely free. Or at least that is what I thought.

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Until someone I trusted came and said I was nothing. Over and over again.

They told me not to tell them what I feel or think, shut up and obey because I wasn’t old enough. I was 17, about to turn 18. They said it didn’t matter what I thought and felt so I’d better accept it. And I did. I learn to lie and have secrets. I learn to stay away from everyone so I won’t get hurt. And I learn that everyone is fighting their battles so they won’t care what your problems are. I stop complaining.

But why do you always have to compare your things to everything? Why do you have to compare yourself to me and now you have to compare your problems to mine too to make me feel like shit for feeling what I feel?! And people call themselves intelligent creature. How intelligent they are. After everything they told me about my emotions, they said they were disappointed in me for not knowing how to show any affection to them. How can I when everything you do is pushing me away after every fragile attempt I make to get closer to you? That’s why even though I feel like I hit the rock bottom at some points in my life, I’m still proud that at least I do think carefully and be stronger each time mentally, in retrospect.


I heard her cry, and I wish I could grow up fast so I could be a shoulder for her to cry on. Now I’m growing up fast, but I feel helpless than ever when I can’t control my life. I’m really scared of growing up because I feel like I’m so silly and stupid if I step into that real world. I’m afraid that I can’t do anything right in the future because I’m already a failure. How can I be afraid of such a lot of things when nothing bad has happened yet? I don’t know. I feel drained out, honestly, when I go outside. It doesn’t matter where I go, how long it takes or if I have fun or not, I’m just burned out. If I have to socialize with many people, I will be lost because I can’t fit in. I can be nice to everyone but I can’t be a tail and follow them and compliment them to make a new relationship. It’s not me. I can’t be with people who don’t even see me.


Although I’m a super duper negative person, in the hardest times, I can be strangely calm like my alter ego has taken over and I’m completely different.

Yesterday, my English teacher asked me (and the whole class) a question, “What is happiness to you?”, and everyone said happiness was when they stayed with their families, they kept in touch with their good friends, they had money to buy cosmetics products and their K-pop concert ticket and I told him, “Happiness to me is peace in my soul. Because I’m not a very positive person, I tend to overthink about everything, like what if I fail, what if I DON’T fail. Therefore, it is hard for me to be happy most of the time. Sometimes, happiness is just about little things when I can go to bed earlier than everyone else and find my bed comfortable.” There’s one sentence I forgot to tell him, it was “As long as I can stop thinking for a while, I’m happy”.

There are a few days I feel happy. These are the days I’m alone with a bed and a laptop in my room. If I have to go anywhere during the day, I’ll come home feeling exhausted and negative. All the noise and all the voices will appear in my head, become louder and louder each time, making me nervous and helpless. That’s when I just need to lay my head down on my pillow, and they stop. I feel happy when I get lost in the moment while reading a book or studying a language. I feel happy when I don’t tell my parents a word that I’m sad but they somehow know, I guess it’s the bond between us, and the next day, they make me my favorite dishes. I feel happy when I watch Taylor Swift’s live concerts on YouTube and go high with her fans. I love the crowd moments like these ones.

It is silly when I didn’t want to admit I like Taylor Swift. People make me feel like her music is something for childish girls and they are all against her. I’m not sure what’s wrong with her and her music. I like her songs, and I love the way she deals with her haters. You say I’m a Snake, I’m gonna be the Snake Queen. It’s quite a smart move, isn’t it?

I feel happy when I find the right song for my mood. I feel happy when I’ve finally found a world of my own, which is WordPress (although but some people really scare me to death with their comments). It’s not like I don’t use Facebook or Instagram, but I have the so-called Facebook/ Instagram insecurities that make me feel like shit and realize how fucked up my life is. Now I can just say what I want to say and do what I want to do here. It’s just a blog, but it’s enough for me.

Those are the few happy things. I guess I should start to keep records of the happy things in my life so I can come back and feel better each time.

If there’s something I wish I’d known sooner in life, I wish I would have known that it’s okay being a late bloomer. Therefore, I don’t need to ask myself why I am so far behind, what I am doing wrong, whether I am a bad person or not.

Maybe I have some toxic relationships in my life, maybe I’ve lost a very close friend, but I’ve managed to keep many great things and many beautiful people in my life.

19th birthday. From Nhan

While I keep holding on to people who take me for granted, I’ve been an asshole to this person.

While I keep berating my imperfections and envying others for being too perfect, there was somebody telling me I was perfect, not them.

I guess it’s time I should let the past behind along with all of the used-to-bes.

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6 thoughts on “2. Me At 19.

  1. Hi V.,
    It’s kind of interesting of how we have so many things in common. I’ve also had been through negative thoughts since I came to this new place. Life was perfect back then, and I didn’t ‘t even spend a lot of my time thinking about myself. However, I have to accept myself “my true self” that people are growing up and things change. I’ve become more sensitive and worse at socializing, even when I talk to my close friends in Vietnam.

    But you know what, I feel better now because I spent my quality time on myself, like painting, taking pictures, listening to music, and writing blogs. V., embrace yourself! No matter what you are thinking, life is still going on, and we need to be strong and happy. If you listened to Nirvana’s music, you would know this famous saying of Kurt Cobain, “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” Screw what others think about you, because they do not help you live your life, right? I stopped using Facebook and Instagram for a few days, they made me feel sick whenever I scroll down the feed and compare their life to mine. I started to meditate, and surprisingly it helps me a lot for keeping positive thoughts.

    I’ll be the one who definitely read your blogs, so please keep writing and live your spiritual life! I loved Taylor Swift too, and the reason I stopped just because I prefer her old music, but I still follow up with her career. It’s funny when I saw you put my favorite song of Ca Hoi Hoang here and the reason is that I listen to them quite often. We should go to their concert together when I’m back in town!!!

    I bet this would be the longest comment that you’d get in your life (lol). Anyway, I really want to let you know that you are good. I do not say that you are perfect because you know, I’d rather find beauty in imperfection (wabi-sabi). Love who you are and what made you today!

    Xoxo,
    Van Flomie.

    Like

    1. Hi Van Flomie,
      Reading your comment in the middle of the night like this really makes me happy. I think I’ll smile to sleep. Thanks for being the first (and probably the only one because only you know my blog lol) to read my blog. I appreciate your kindness. I think writing blogs is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

      Do you know what the funny thing is? I feel peaceful whenever I’m alone, but once I step outside, go to school and socialize, I feel like all of my problems come back to me. It’s hard to accept yourself, live for the moment and do what you believe is right when people are rushing to find a job, to study abroad, to socialize more because they need to build quality relationships so they can be successful. But really, don’t worry about me. Compared to me at 15, who was full of hatred and negativity and vented them into words, I feel so much better now. Fun fact, the story I posted was written when I was 15 or so. I try to do yoga and meditate (and it’s hard 🙂 ) but I can’t maintain it every day. How often do you meditate? I need advice on meditation because I just get started. I also set some 30-day challenges to achieve this year. Yeah, getting away from Facebook and Instagram is a good idea. I don’t even install Instagram on my phone. It sucks when I have to keep using Facebook for group work and class projects.

      Sure, I’ll definitely go to their concert with you! Tell me when you’re back in town lol. Besides Ca Hoi Hoang and Taylor Swift, who else do you like V?

      Indeed, that is the longest comment that I’ve ever had in my life haha. Don’t forget to keep sharing your pictures because I’m really looking forward to them!

      Have a nice day, Van Flomie. I have a song for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO8ijPhSmXE Hope you like it ❤

      From V. with love.

      Like

      1. Oh, same here! I just woke up and saw your comment; it made my day V. I deleted all the social media apps. It is better for more me time, real life, and this blog, right? I meditate in the afternoon and before going to sleep every single day. I think it’s a good start for downloading some apps of meditation; I did, and they really help. You should try it V.!

        I actually enjoy most of the Vietnamese indie artists and some American rockers (rock n’ roll). We should keep sharing our tastes of music!!! I can’t live without musicccc. Btw, I really like the song that you shared to me.

        Thank you for the song and your attention to my blog!

        Stay happy as always, V.!

        Van Flomie.

        Like

      2. After talking to you yesterday, I’ve started to meditate and do yoga again. I have to say, you’re such an inspiring person!

        I can’t live without music either. It plays an important part in my life. I’m not sure what kind of music I like, I listen to everything as long as they’re good. I think Vietnamese rock is pretty awesome. Do you like Chinese music? I saw you share a Chinese song on your blog. Can you speak Chinese? Yeah, we should definitely share our favorite music with each other. But how lol? I mean we don’t like using any social media apps, only use this blog.

        No need to thank me. That’s what a friend will do.

        Like

  2. Aw, you are so sweet.. I mean my dream is to inspire people to live freely and lightly, and that is also the main reason for me to begin writing blogs, but you know most of my Viet friends do not like reading and writing like you. It’s nice to know that you gave it a chance to meditate again. Keep going!

    Yeah, I do listen to Chinese music sometimes. I’ve started listening to it since I took Chinese class in high school. It’s kind of embarrassing to say that I spent two years learning Chinese but only be able to speak basic Chinese phrases.

    We can keep in touch via email (mine is aivan499@yahoo.com.vn).

    Hope to see your life updates and good luck!!! ❤

    Like

    1. I think just sharing your lifestyle and hobbies is already inspiring, which I hope you would do often. I promise i’m not flattering you lol. You know what they say, birds of a feather flock together.

      This is my second year of learning Chinese. Maybe we can learn Chinese with each other 😀

      I will send you an email asap.

      Keep creating!
      From V. with love

      Liked by 1 person

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