Happy. | Dottie James

You know, I barely like any poems. But this is one of the few poems that I like. Every single word she said resonates with me. The poem is so sad yet so beautiful. And this is how it starts:

Happy.

H A P P

Y aren’t I

H A P P

Y don’t I want to go outside?

sunshine used to make me

H A P P

Y does it now sting my creaking mind?

H A P P

Y is my room such a mess if I can’t even get out of bed where I spin dreams of HAHA

Happiness

heavy

heaving

chest

I’m so incredibly un-

H A P P

Y now I can’t even smile now at least not on the inside

how could my brain spell so well but my body can’t make a smile out of the letters

H A P P

Y am I avoiding my friends?

staring at texts saying “I miss U” N

H A P P

Y is my world out of focus?

I can’t cut through this blurriness the caffeine makes me nervous and then tired times 10

I’m starting to think I deserve this

yes of course because happiness doesn’t happen without sadness so I must be sad first if I ever want to be

H A P P

but why does it feel like a crushing blow?

this is more than a sadness you and I know

this is emotional absence

and the letters keep jumbled up in my head

Y H A P P

please teach me to feel deeply

I want to get out of this rut.

maybe if I work hard enough, distract myself enough and laugh enough, I would finally feel

H A P P Y

Happy

Why do I feel like it should be over now? The end of a poem came out, I was at my worst and now I’ll be fine. I mean that’s what happens in films right?

I’ll feel this way again. Way inside. I’ll have to fight this again and again, won’t I?  I have to scale mountains that no one else seems to see in order to be happy. My future holds rolling valleys and I’ll be scaling mountains every day but I have to be okay with seeing these mountains in a better way. If I don’t, I won’t ever be H A P P Y. I have to be ready to climb so I can find my definition of a feeling I feel is hard to define – HAPPY.

 

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